a flower i n g g r o ove . . . *

The urge to drink has not subsided. Possibly just intensified.

This is the first time i dont feel confident about making it through.

I dream of nyack.

Omg. today i need a drink. I want a drink so hard. I want a saturday night with a bottle of wine and friends.

I want to stop fighting my one fucking pleasure. And this is the first time i feel close to letting loose.

Ughhhhh.

sometimes i just miss him so much. I wanna hear how he’s doing. how his writing is coming along. what bands he has been listening to lately. I wanna hear him singing some stupid song he heard on the radio. his voice. 

most of all, I just want to know if he fucking misses me. & if he ever looks back & thinks “damn, I really screwed that one up…”

Lately, i have wanted a piece of the rebound so bad.

He hooked me up with a gift card to thank me for getting him a job. But i would have taken a night with him…

I need this to happen before i leave for CA. Im just saying.

Well, uncontrollably, i looked at the rebound’s fb page.

& he updated to the timeline & put a banner image up. and it is of him, and Brian and Matt.

& it didn’t burn when I looked at Brian! I didn’t get sad or shocked or have an extreme reaction. I think I actually realize I am better off without him, and getting over him!

very wonderful news.

& approaching 4 months. awesome!

Sometimes, i am acutely aware of how i CHOOSE to be clean. I realize that is solely because of myself, and my determination that I do not drink or use.

I also realize that I choose to do this because i want a better life for myself. I want to reach a higher state of living. I want to feel ease in a crowd without the aid of alcohol. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.

However, when I am conscious of these choices and wants, it is also painfully obvious that there are other choices too. There is the “good” way, and there’s the “bad” way. These choices make your life. Sometimes, what seems like a simple choice can pave the way for a series of other choices, resulting in a way of life really.

This probably all sounds like I’m high right now, but I’m 3 months and change from that. What I mean is that I can either choose to be in recovery, or i can choose to be a junky. At any given moment, i can say “fuck all of this sobriety nonsense, get me a drink/joint/line, i want to have some fucking fun”. I could succumb to the party lifestyle and spend my time wasting money, awareness, and opportunity. And current pop culture and media would support this. “Partiers have fun!” Screams the media. People who abuse substances fall in twisted passionate love. Their lives are made to seem fun, glamorous, and addicting.

I know better though, and this I must remember. Sure the party can be fun. You can do dumb shit, be less inhibited, relax a little. But when the party is over, and youre still alone, stuck with those depressing feelings of a hangover, it doesn’t feel fun anymore. Youre left with a fading headache on a Monday morning, counting your days for the next party. The next time you let alcohol delude you into believing youre really having the best time, with all of these “AMAZING” people, who all happen to love you. For that brief time, right in between buzzed, and buzz-kill, you’re on top of the world, without your worries, and you feel full with life. Until you keep drinking or using to keep that feeling going, and you end up in Sloppyville. Because you never stop with elation. You need more, because somewhere inside of you, you know that feeling won’t last, and tomorrow youll be faced with regret. Regret over that guy you fucked, that money you spent, that damage you did to your only liver.

Sobriety doesnt solve everything though. It just gives you the time to sort out what is REALLY going on. I still feel alone, but its manageable. Im still wasting money, but not so much, and on better purchases. I’m not fucking anybody, so i guess thats good, depending on how you look at it.

Maybe sobriety seems dull sometimes. Maybe thats why people relapse so much. Maybe thats why I relapsed a few years ago. Hopefully, this time I can really grasp that even though the party can be a wonderfully great escape, there is always a bill at the end of the night.