i have been in a dark place lately.
[not] working [out].
binge watching shows.
being angry. bitter. lonely. doubtful. poor. boring.
and i keep beating myself up. where I think the problem begins.
ive gained 20(ish) lbs since my lowest 2013 weight. and it keeps creeping up. i keep letting myself go.
i am fully aware that I am more than my weight. it is just a number. but it goes beyond that.
i hate how I feel when I’m bingeing. And I binge when I hate how I feel.
I feel bad about working so much. & being so tired all the time.
I give up work nights only to fear my next paycheck. and I work nights to give up chances of meeting people. And getting to the gym.
I know I love how I feel when I am going to the gym. It makes me feel healthy and confident and beautiful. It takes 3 days to kick in. Obviously, there are no Earth-shattering results in 3 days, but theres 3 days of doing 45 minutes of cardio and music-listening.
but I avoid it in places like this. & its mostly that I’m scared. “How am I gonna burn 750 calories like I did 3 weeks ago? Ive eaten my weight in chocolate since then…”. I hold myself to this ridiculously high standard. I need to get back into slow steps.
slow steps in everything. dating. working out. working less. saving more. fun and self love more.
one day at a time.